A bit of an experience!!

Although a reality.. Yet, seems like a vague dream!
It's an old, yet prominent memory
of the day we met for the first time.
Was it an odd time, an unprepared introduction 
or an unexpected situation.. 

I smile at the slightest remembrance of the excitement
with butterflies in my stomach!
Was I happy at the first glance of yours?
Well, I did become fond of you over the span of time.
But, I do remember having tears shed for no crime
:) was naive, now I realize..

Won't deny the fact that my heart was filled with emotions endless
It was with the flow of time, series of occurrences that eventually took place;
I was swept off my feet in lieu.
Seemed like a dream and then dreams within the dream
:) innocence of the heart, i would rather say..

Threw me down at the bottomless pit on one fine day,
to feel shattered, battered, repent, disappointed!
Those soundless howls and cries of the naive heart
even with multiple cracks within, 
Indeed, it was a brave start.. to move on 
because life is all about experiences, to go on!

Now, time is different 
and we those who parted our ways,
things changed, so did the people and the phase;
With layers of time waves, all those memory now blurred
Yet, I wonder how life would have, otherwise turned..

Yun toh..

Yun toh dil ki baat likhi nahi jati hain...
main puchu: agar aysa hain.. toh, batao kaha ya kaise bayaan karoon ?
Yun toh zubaan se lavz sahi time pe nikalte nahi hain...
main sochu: sahi time kab aati hain!
Yun toh dil v har kisi pe nahi aati hain.....
main bolu: zamana ab kuch aur hi kehta hain;

Kaash k waqt theher jati kahi,
kahi jaha.. chayn k do saanse li jati..
Aankhen bandh ho.. aur dhadkane sun-li jati
Ab to jati rahi masoom woh khwahishey...
duniya badi zaleem hain, ya toh.. berukh tumhare dard se!
main manoo: zindagi k kayi pehlu, yeh v unhi mein se ek hain!!

I look back...only to turn around with a doubtful mind

I look back in the past to analyze the present and be prepared for the future. Events from the past which had lessons to learn from and present which can still be controlled decides the course of events for the unknown future - the path gets built accordingly. Good memories, bad memories, moments those to be cherished and the awful span of time with ever worst experience... yet mind remembers each & every detail of the time passed by. If not for long but those figments of memories always remain.

When I look back..only to turn around from the way I walked upon, with a doubtful mind is what makes me wonder as  to how many people deliberately bring upon destruction to oneself. How many knows the possible hindered consequence and yet takes the risk for so called game spirit? It's not easy to risk ones life just to find out if the "self-prediction" comes true or to defy the same. Because, it's the very person who has things at stake - to either win OR loose!

Actions taken, words spoken, faith shattered, heart broken, nightmares passed, laughter with tears thrust, a smile which had cost enumerous tears yet worth a lot to heart. When I dwell into the past, I wonder about the mixed emotions with confused head & heart torn within self - whether emotions have higher value than the logical mind, which analyses everything minutely waking up the conscience to have doubts/questions to seek for.

When I look back..I doubt of being too selfish to run after the momentary happiness even if it could cost sadness in the long run. Or, was I kind enough to let my heart rule over the head by being happy even though the head called the self as a fool. You see, If head ruled, I'ld have been careful and cautious from any external factors ensuring peace of mind and emotions safe. If heart ruled, it was a risk taken and an adventure sought to face anything and everything, after all that's what the heart wants to find out - the unknown.. the unseen.. the existence! Of course, risks has it's own consequence - good or bad, you and you alone have to take it all.

At times, mind doubts on the decisions made - was it wise enough upon looking at the outcome. Yet, never had to regret about anything. It's life.. how would you call it as living a life when your actions are always pre-decided with predicted outcomes. Does it feel lively, when you always try to play safe and protect your thoughts and emotions from the external world? Well, my existence matters on what I choose to be, how I want to lead rest of my life and who do I want to become - a shadow of someone else or myself.

The long awaited break

With a sip of tea, I try to imagine the excitement of being on my own once again. Well, I've always been but with terms & conditions based on situations. Among all those daring acts so far, would count this trip as one along, I smile. Am not able to plan things in advance, which in turn makes things more adventurous..beyond the capacity of mind's imaginations!

               The long awaited break.. yes, it was. Probably a long wait, coz it cost two-years planning with no outcome. Couldn't believe it happening until my journey began. Trip could have been called off at any moment and I had no back up plan except to waste the days off with despair.

              Keeping in mind the evil incident that took place in Delhi and the public protests leading to unpredictable situations, no doubt that fear creep in the heart beyond own will. But mind was set, risk had to be taken or else I could kiss my struggling fate and sit at one place trying to be safe. Btw, the World didn't end unfortunately hence, it was well understood that I have many more years to live.. not to forget, at will. One can only live the present on own terms coz past can't repeat and future is unpredictable as well as unknown. At least, things never occurred as presumed in my case, no clue how is it for others.

                    Awesome winter, friends, movie, mall, Kingdom of dreams, shopping, paratha, Vat 69.. couldn't be any better! A perfect break.

puzzles of life - mind buzz - mind goes empty :-/

I keep thinking.. "non-stop"

Logics pop up in mind.. "random"

Imaginations keep flowing.. "unlimited"

Wish I could have just shut the door of my mind. Or could have put a "full stop" at any point of time to stop the thought process.

Desires of mine.. "unknown"

Wishes from the heart..  "confusing"

Focus of the eyes.. "directionless"

Things that I want or desire for, seems confusing to me at times making no sense.. b'coz the very nature of human beings are completely unpredictable. How can I be sure that a person won't change his/her mind or heart in future? It's too much to be true - words kept.. as was promised, behavior to remain d same though the years, life goes on.. as planned. Gives me a weird feeling remembering the fact that "Nothing is permanent"!

To always think negative.. "pessimism"

Being positive and to hope for the best.. "optimist"

To analyze-judge a situation based on prior experience & instinct.. "constructive thinking"

At times, it's good to be fooled by circumstances coz 'conscience' is the last thing one can avoid even if he/she's able to avoid the whole world. Being a pessimist, only lets one to be conscious about the worst situation.. although it depends on the individual as to what extent the negative thoughts hover the mind. The way I look at things, same experience shouldn't happen.. and trust me, rarely, good experiences get repeated :)

Left on one's own.. "alone"

Being on own by choice.. "independent"

A preference of leading or being lead.. "is upto YOU"

Fate does not always act on it's own. Instead, the course of action one takes and decisions that are taken leads to situations which arise and thus the outcome.. of your own "karma".

wishlist :p :( :D

I wish ........ and the list begins..!!

             

Probably, it was from childhood.. I remember wishing for things to happen, things to have, things to be.. reality however, shows a different scenario altogether. How I wish..everything that I had desired for, would have come true! 

One thing which has never let me disappointed, is my imagination and day-dreaming. Yes, "day-dreaming".. and I still do it :) As a teen, always enjoyed it. Being in a different level, a world of my own, the way I wanted everything..places, people, their words, actions and my actions accordingly :P  Places where I wanted to be, dresses that I wanted to try, things that I wanted to feel - call it eating ice or getting drenched in rain..completely and yet continue to be in rain!! To walk in those roads filled with leaves in the season of Autumn..to watch rain through window glass, to lay on the terrace and watch the sky..full of stars throughout the night; collect shells on beaches, take a vacation to Ireland, long walks on windy evenings....... Can somebody make my wishes come true! Just somebody, who can sustain to listen to my darkest secrets, know my fears, crazy views, have silly arguments, take me in shelter to console and comfort through unpredictable problems.. Well, in all these years, that somebody has always been in my imaginations, never did in the real life have I met that 'somebody' and I wonder if 'somebody' would just merely remain to be in my imaginations for this lifetime..

The wishlist has become countless by now if I have to start counting from those of my childhood till date. Hmm..yet the list is never-ending and am glad about it // 32 teeth open-smile :D // Ofcourse, priorities of wishes have changed over the years like dolls, ink pen, lacy frocks, crayons, water colors, colorful ribbons, bangles, nail paints, places to travel, watches, long hair, foot wears..duh!!! List goes on and on..well, these are part of being materialistic.

Coming to feelings and emotions.... well, it would be a hit-list :P heartbreaks, silly crushes, emotional drama // well, not me ;) // cries, laughter, arguments, cold wars // hehehehee // list goes on and on again!! Yet, heart craves for the 'one', eyes search the 'face', ears eagerly waiting to listen the 'words'. The wait seems longer now with age.. running by at a train-speed and people around getting married // blush blush, such an odd feeling // I still want to enjoy my 'single hood' for a while, miss those college days and friends who have gone apart with time <3 <3 

To my quick observation.. my wishlist has narrowed down to an extent lately // to be specific about groom-search.. ohh!! did I blurt it out, yeah..guess so. But, it's still in d thought process // So, was saying that the more I focus on the things I would wish in my 'prince charming' // not sure about the World, but to me, he would definitely be my prince // the least I feel that there are guys who would completely fulfill the whole criteria as per my wishlist. And somehow.. I've got the feeling that my so called 'wishlist' has slowly started converting into a 'checklist'!! // should I be happy about it? well, being a practical kind, somehow am not // Nevertheless, mom says.. "birth, death and marriage is all about fate" ;)               

Does it mean, I should just sit idle to wait and watch what my 'fate' gets me in? Even, in Bhagwat Geeta, it's mentioned that human should do what they are supposed to, rest follows accordingly :) Such a wise thought ;) :D 

Come, take a walk with me..

Take a walk with me.. on those lovely mornings of Autumn,

On those roads filled with fallen flowers spreading the fragrance 

 for every passer-by, thus, causing a distraction!

Come with me, on those hill tops to watch the Sunrise,

Those silent nights with the sky filled with countless stars..

Oh! Such are nature's creation;

Take a walk along with me.. on those roads and markets crowded with people - 

wherein, looking at the crowd, might not mean much..

But, looking at you, it might mean quite a lot to me!

 Come and dance with me..

in the rain and feel the drizzle upon you;

Those enumerous droplets pouring & splashing on the face, the sky with a hazy view.

Take a walk with me.. on those beaches for miles together

and lose trail on the way back, who'ld bother!

Humm with me those old songs with silly emotions attached..

Take a walk along on those windy evenings,

when hair-locks keep covering the face

and clothes seem to always move out of order to embrace!